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In this issue:
Pat's Ponderings - Two Ears and Only One Mouth: Are You Listening? by Patrick Williams, Ed.D., MCC, BCC (honorary)It has been said that there is a reason that God gave us two ears and only one mouth. Listening is a crucial activity yet one we devote so little effort to improving. It is essential for building healthy relationships and successful partnerships. Here are some important facts and techniques that can help improve your listening and interpersonal skills. We spend 80 percent of our waking time involved in four communications tasks: reading, writing, speaking or listening. Of these four activities, listening accounts for 50 percent of our communication time. We give little attention to this part of the communication process, simply taking it for granted that everyone knows how to listen. Listening is such a passive activity, we don't pay attention to it. In fact, most of us find the prolonged concentration required for truly effective listening too hard to maintain. Consider this: We only retain 25 percent of what we hear. Why? The average person speaks at about 130 words per minute. Our thinking speed is about 500 words per minute. Consequently, we jump ahead of what is actually being said. This causes our minds to wander and we are actually thinking about other things, such as what we are going to say next. Here are other things that interfere with effective listening – and consequently result in poor communications and poor interpersonal relationships:
While everybody "knows" how to listen, not everybody practices the following effective listening techniques which can rapidly improve communications, strengthen relationships and form strong interpersonal skills for work and family success. What is active listening? The process called active listening involves the listener paying full attention to the speaker, and then summarizing or reflecting back what he or she has heard without evaluating or interpreting. This allows further clarification from the speaker if necessary. It also brings in this important element into the exchange: Speaker A knows what Listener B has heard, AND knows that Listener B is taking the time to fully understand before responding. This rarely seems to happen in our fast-paced environments where people talk over one another and interrupting is no longer the social faux pas that is was. In active listening, it is important to learn to summarize and reflect smoothly, without appearing to mimic or repeat back in a robotic fashion. Useful phrases are:
Non-verbal communications Another part of effective listening is non-verbal communication. A listener should be making eye contact with the speaker about 60 to 80 percent of the time, at least in Western cultures. Nodding and shaking the head is usually appropriate to indicate receptiveness and understanding. Of course, it also indicates agreement or disagreement and can therefore interrupt the speaker. An important way to establish fast rapport with a speaker is to mirror the speaker's body language, although it would be ineffective to mimic their posture exactly. Research has shown that only 7 percent of what we take in from a speaker is from the actual words; the rest is non-verbal. The tone of voice of the speaker accounts for 38 percent of the message received. Over 55 percent of our perception of the message comes from the speaker's body language. This means how something is said is far more important than the actual words. This also means to be a really effective listener, one must "listen" to the non-verbals as well. This means being tuned in to what is being said and what is not being said. Which brings this discussion to a really important part of listening: asking questions. It is not enough to assume you know what the person means. Non-verbals can lead you to "hear" something that is not being said. Asking questions deepens the discussion and explores more of what the person means. Some useful questions are:
Rarely do people take the time to reflect on the quality of their listening skills. In fact, the only time we may become aware of them is when there has been a breakdown in communications, but by then we are in defensive mode instead of learning mode. How well do you listen? When was the last time you asked your spouse, your boss, or a trusted peer for feedback on your communication skills? For most of us, this is far too risky. Talking with your personal coach can help you practice active listening and is a safe way to improve without risk. Patrick Williams Ed.D., MCC, BCC (honorary) Monthly CallsCoaching Forum CallJoin Pat Williams as he discusses Coaching in a nonprofit world: How to impact empowerment in those who are resource challenged. Resources for Success in Your Practice and Professional DevelopmentThe Institute for Life Coach Training's publishing partner, WorkLife Media, has developed a new product line designed with you, the Helping Professional, in mind. Whether it's products designed to continue your professional development, assist in developing your practice, or tools you can provide your clients to help meet their needs, WorkLife Media has what you need. New products are continuously developed so if you don't see what you're looking for, just ask! Featured ProductsWellDirections Newsletter "Getting Smart About..." Fact Sheets Coming Soon: About the Publisher For further information, please contact jane.adams@worklifemedia.net NewsInvitation for Tomorrow's Life Coach newsletter submissionsHave an article or a book recommendation you'd like to share? We'd like to invite all ILCT faculty and students to submit their articles and recommendations to Tomorrow's Life Coach. Please keep in mind that all contributions that are under consideration to be published will be edited to meet our specifications. We welcome your submissions and will include proper attribution. Please send submissions to jane.adams@lifeoptions.com. FeatureThe Paradox on the Job: More Fun, Less Frustration by Patrick Williams, EdD, MCC, BCC (honorary)
People prefer leisure to work - no surprise there. What is surprising is that they report more optimal feelings of being "in the zone" when engaged in work. This strange, yet revealing, paradox may explain why so many U.S. retirees experience depression and ultimately return to work or else find some other meaningful activity for contributing. While we clearly associate leisure with pleasure, we seem to have an unwarranted prejudice against work: We automatically associate it with painful or frustrating experience. This belief is so deeply rooted that it distorts our perceptions of actual experiences. It's a learned response that severely limits our potential for happiness at work. To achieve professional satisfaction, you must experience - and consciously record - the positive emotions you feel on the job. Finding Flow Claremont Graduate University Professor Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi was one of the first psychologists to study the concept of "flow." Flow occurs when we are fully immersed in a task, enjoying ourselves while performing our best. It can happen anywhere, anytime. We experience it when we participate in sports and hobbies. More frequently, our flow experiences occur during periods of peak performance at work. When we fail to recognize pleasurable moments at work, focusing solely on the negative, we miss out on experiencing more happiness and satisfaction. Each of us must find ways to extract more meaning and fulfillment from the "daily grind." It's often a matter of reframing situations and changing the way we speak about our tasks and responsibilities. Other times, we can devise games and turn work into play. Some people find it helpful to ask a trusted peer to serve as an accountability partner or coach, working toward concrete goals and milestones. Action Steps Reflection and action yield meaning and energy. Harvard University Continuing Education Professor Tal Ben-Shahar combines these two powerful learning tools into one concept: "ReflAction." Lifelong Learning The happiest, most successful people are lifelong learners, according to numerous research studies. Learners constantly ask questions and find a sense of wonder in the world. Recall the wonder and enthusiasm you enjoyed at the beginning of your career. If you've lost some of the proverbial "lovin' feeling" (and most people have), recapture it by initiating an education program of your choosing. Your program should include two categories:
Commit to learning material that will benefit you currently and in the future. Be sure to allocate regular time in your schedule for continuing education. If you don't know where to start, pick up a copy of 25 Days to Better Thinking and Better Living: A Guide for Improving Every Aspect of Your Life, by Drs. Linda Elder and Richard Paul. Read one chapter each week as part of your personal-development commitment. Or choose one of the many others from Cheryl Richardson or Wayne Dyer. For professional enrichment, seek out a mentor you trust, and ask him/her to join you for lunch. You can also hire a coach to help you improve on the job or attend a seminar on the latest developments in your field. These can all help you think and live outside the box. Think about the relationships among all of these activities. What makes them enjoyable? Is there any overlap between the personal and professional? If so, can you identify a common theme in both work and play that you enjoy? Making Work More like Play Thriving at work allows you to do so at home and at play. There's really no need to separate the two worlds, according to neuroscientist and "play researcher" Stuart Brown, MD, who describes their strong correlation in his book Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Invigorates the Soul. When you feel the temptation to complain about work, stop yourself. Rephrase what you were about to say by focusing on the more interesting parts of your day. Make an active effort to recognize and record the positive aspects of your job so you can experience more pleasure and flow. Start your day like you would like to end it. Upcoming Classes at ILCTExpand Your Business and Deepen Your Coaching Skills - Register For Upcoming Classes at ILCTFlexible payment plans are available. Call 800-961-3424 for details. Book RecommendationsThe Courage to Teach: Exploring the Inner Landscape of a Teacher's Life by Parker J. Palmer
Teachers choose their vocation for reasons of the heart, because they care deeply about their students and about their subject. But the demands of teaching cause too manyeducators to lose heart. Is it possible to take heart in teaching once more so that we can continue to do what good teachers always do - give heart to our students? In The Courage to Teach, Parker Palmer takes teachers on an inner journey toward reconnecting with their vocation and their students - and recovering their passion for one of the most difficult and important of human endeavors. | ||||
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